I’m always happy to demonstrate why the Internet sucks while simultaneously providing a link to something hilarious Lindsay wrote.

Rad.

Later, skater. For reals reals.

I’m like the girl who cried blog.

Me and the delightful Stacey Shintani

but I’m also not a big fan of “I know this woman” type libel.

In what was a pretty funny Gawker write-up/commenting round today, there was this:

Oh, wow, I know this woman. Or rather, I’ve spoken to her before by phone. This piece reflects beyond my absolute worst expectations about her, Oh Lord GOD this is horrible. Anyway, some mutual friends from Chicago gave me her contact info a while back because she was going to be moving to NY and they thought it would be nice to have someone here who could be the welcome wagon. (I am a woman, by the way.)

Mandy was so vulgar and competitive that within four minutes of conversing, she had already volunteered her height, weight and physical appearance in disturbing detail, and then asked the same of me! I started to feel like I should ask her if she wanted to check my coat, mane and teeth as well.

When she talked, everything sounded like a well-rehearsed speech. And when she wasn’t referring to her appearance, she was focused on the topic of dating. “Stock brokers, lawyers, bankers, diplomats, I’ve had them all” was a comment I think I recall her actually saying. I felt compelled to warn her about all the skeevy men in NY who just wanted to take advantage of women, and she was utterly unphased. “Really? I’ve never had that problem”, she demurred. “Remember, I’m 6′2″, so I like to think I could handle myself in a situation”.

I was relieved to find out that my friends were “just acquaintances” according to Mandy and that she had “plenty” of friends in New York as she visited all the time. She said she was “very busy” with the journalism thing but maybe when things cooled down a bit, we could “eventually” meet. Several months later, she left a very imperious follow up message on my voice mail stating that she finally had a hole in her schedule if I wanted to meet with her. I never returned the call. For some reason, her whole demeanor reminded me of the Mayflower Madam, it was really unnerving.

1) Spectacular. This is from a girl named A., who when I sent out an email about moving to New York wrote me saying she knew a band I was friends with. She also (I just checked the original note she sent me) brought up how tall I was because she said she had a couch I could stay on that was limited to someone who was 5′7″. So that’s why I would have said my height. I think she then talked about how men treated her based on her looks, saying they expected a dominatrix-type role, so I said what do you look like? She said she was brunette and heftier. Cool, whatever, I’m not the one who brought it up.

2) It was pretty clear she was a little out there, so I got off the phone as quickly as I could, but then she called me up soon after. Why? She had a great opportunity for me to invest in a play she was putting up. Jeez, A., do you think if I would have invested in your play you wouldn’t be libeling me on Gawker? I wonder!

3) I’d also like to make a special plea: If I ever say anything along the lines of: “Stock brokers, lawyers, bankers, diplomats, I’ve had them all,” you have full permission to shoot me directly in the face. Thanks so much.

4) Lastly, would like to point out that when I talked to A. I was literally a few weeks fresh from a divorce after having spent nearly a decade with the same guy, which makes the line, “I’ve had them all,” even more comic and ridiculous.

Awesome.

In conclusion, I’d just like to say, I love you. See you in October. Really. Bye.

Kisses

from posting through Oct. 1. You can keep up with the column here. In the meantime, I suggest old Cure on YouTube. I also suggest signing up for my mailing list. I also suggest defining what you really want out of life. Thanks.

“That is the only picture you should keep
on your camera, the rest can be deleted.”
- Kyle Kinane

Be sure to buy a copy of Lynn Harris’s very funny new “Death By Chick Lit” satire I wrote about here.

Be sure to curse me out for the coddled tots article I wrote here.

Be sure to check out Maryam Keshavarz’s excellent new film (which you can rent at Netflix) here.

Be sure to enjoy Maggie Bandur’s wonderful breakdown of Bats Day in the Fun Park at Idolator, which the uber-talented Maura Johnston edits here.

The enchanting Mayrav Saar

of Preppy’s past