“That I’ll be murdered?” I finish.

“Yes,” he says, then takes a moment to survey my 6-foot-2-nonpixellated-live-in-person-outside-the-tiny-user-screen frame.

“Don’t worry,” he assures me. “You are too tall to murder. It would take many men.”

Wow. Now that’s what I call the magic of MySpace.

Indignation

user Mandy_Stadtmiller has entered room.
analyst Midhun has entered room.
Midhun: Hello Mandy_Stadtmiller. My name is Midhun.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: HELLO IS ASHITH THERE?
Midhun: Thank you for contacting Symantec Live Technical Support. Please make a note of the Chat Request Id 112348 for future reference.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: WHERE IS ASHITH?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: does ashith ever talk about me?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ashith and i had that thing — that intangible thing that sometimes happens when two people just ‘click.’
Mandy_Stadtmiller: but let’s work through this together, midhun.
Midhun: I understand your concern. Please be on hold for 2-3 minutes while I retrieve the details of your previous interaction.
Midhun: OK. May I know the exact method you had followed to uninstall the Norton program?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it was exciting!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: first we downloaded the nroton removal tool but i had renamed a bunch of files so that didn’t work.
Midhun: Sure.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: sure, right.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you’re down.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so then we did open, run, ran regedit
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and we just fucking kicked that shit to the curb!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: we looked up the folders we didn’t want and me and ashith were like ‘bye! see ya! don’t need you any longer!’
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i’ve never felt more powerful as a woman
Mandy_Stadtmiller: but here’s the thing, midhun.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: can i be honest?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok
Mandy_Stadtmiller: here’s the thing
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so then ashith asks me to open the c folder and it gets all stuck, won’t open
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so i restart and that’s when i met you
Mandy_Stadtmiller: oh — but before i met you i deleted what i believe were the two remaining symantec folders in my program files.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and that’s where i’m at.
Midhun: Did you use Norton removel tool to uninstall the program?
Midhun: Removal. Not removel.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you know what? i like removel it’s more street.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it makes you more human.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: more fallible.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: like adam, eve, and the apple.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: no — that shit got stuck.
Midhun: Fine.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so we had to open run, then do regedit
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and then delete that shit manually
Midhun: Now, let’s try the Removal Tool?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so we deleted a bunch of — ah — good idea — ok let me open
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it’s processing msi’s by product code
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it might get stuck again
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it got stuck last time
Mandy_Stadtmiller: about 75 percent of the way through
Midhun: Mandy, we will do the registry editing later. First let’s run the Norton Removal too. Okay?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ashith could tell you all about that.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it’s running, midhun. oh it’s running all right.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: let me see where it’s at! i’m curious like a cat!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: I DON”T BELIEVE IT MIDHUN!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i’m so over ashith.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you are it for me now — it worked!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it worked!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it worked!
Midhun: Great!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yeah yeah yeah!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: do you like the yeah yeah yeahs? i think they’re overrated
Mandy_Stadtmiller: okay midhun, well before i restart this computer
Midhun: ;)
Mandy_Stadtmiller: let me ask you
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yes ;)!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok
Mandy_Stadtmiller: before i restart
Mandy_Stadtmiller: tell me what the fuck i need to do so that i can get liveupdate to work on this motherfucker
Mandy_Stadtmiller: in what i like to call The Next Chapter of my life
Mandy_Stadtmiller: My New Beginning
Mandy_Stadtmiller: My Twilight Years
Mandy_Stadtmiller: The Better Half
Mandy_Stadtmiller: My Better Half
Mandy_Stadtmiller: how should homey play this?
Midhun: Yes.
Midhun: Please install the older version first.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: don’t know what you mean
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i think they are both 2007, right?
Midhun: Yes, this is a bundled version, one program, which contain both Norton System works basic and Internet Security
Midhun: So you can download and install the program from the link provided below.
Midhun: www.symantecstore.com/orderlookup
Midhun: You can download the program and install it on your system.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: right
Mandy_Stadtmiller: but that’s what i did before.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and, midhun.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: the shit didn’t work.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: the live update kept saying ‘connecting’ and then it stalled and then i started to get crazy and renaming files ‘j’
Midhun: Did you complete the registry editing last time?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you mean deleting all the bad things?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: no!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so perhaps this really is the dawn of a new day
Midhun: Now, let’s do the steps. Okay?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you and ashith should get drinks.
Midhun: Before doing the registry editing, I suggest you to run the symNRT once again.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: oh
Mandy_Stadtmiller: hm
Midhun: SymNRT is a removal tool from Symantec which removes all the symantec product and the remnants from your computer.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: but i have to restart and then –oh what?
Midhun: Please follow the web link given below to run symNRT: http://service1.symantec.com/Support/sharedtech.nsf/docid/2006031710323113
Midhun: No, we will do it with out restarting.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: please don’t hold all this against me — ok?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i really have quite an impressive life.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you would be impressed.
Midhun: Fine.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: like if you saw me, you’d be like, wow.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ‘now that’s a girl who has her life together.’
Midhun: Yes.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok, let’s do this thing!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: if we were in a buddy cop movie i would say ‘i’m getting too old for this shit!’
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok running the nrt
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it says another instance of nrt is running
Midhun: I understand your concern, let’s go over the issue and see how we can best resolve it.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: should i open run again?
Midhun: Now, please right click on your task bar and select task manager.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: or c://
Mandy_Stadtmiller: no prob, midhun.
Midhun: Great!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i’m with you, babes
Midhun: Now, please click on start>>Run.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok i’m opening it right now
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yes
Mandy_Stadtmiller: run
Midhun: In the dialog box, please type regedit.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and do regedit, right?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: did i just read your mind?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: or blow it?
Midhun: That’s fine.
Midhun: And click ok.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ok then what?
Midhun: In order to modify values in the Registry we need to use a program called a Registry Editor. Windows comes with a program called regedit.exe or otherwise known as Registry Editor. To launch this program, please follow the below steps:
1. Click on Start and select Run.
2. Type regedit in the dialog box and click OK.
3. Then the Registry editor will open.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it’s open, yo.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i got a 5 on the calculus ap, midhun.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i got a 4 on the english ap.
Midhun: Let me know once this finished.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ironic, because i’m a writer now and do nothing involved with math.
Midhun: Fine.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it is finished.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ‘done and done.’
Midhun: Navigate to and select the following key:
HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Symantec
Midhun: Press the Delete key on your keyboard and click Yes to confirm.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yeah i already deleted that with ashith, midhun
Mandy_Stadtmiller: aint there no more, cookie
Mandy_Stadtmiller: already gone!
Midhun: Okay.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: what next?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: your wish is my command
Midhun: Then nothing else we can done before you restart.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: your command is my regedit
Mandy_Stadtmiller: nothing?? then you are my personal hero.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: will you promise to keep it real
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and give ashith my best?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: promises?
Midhun: Yes.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: our work here is done.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: out, my brother.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i love you.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: goodbye.
Midhun: My pleasure.
Midhun: Thank you for contacting Symantec Live Technical Support. It was a pleasure assisting you.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: It was a pleasure being assisted!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: Good night. Know that I will always think of you. Goodbye.
Midhun: Bye have a nice time.

If you’re going to go to a lot of holiday parties this year, I recommend going to a Donald Trump fete, drinking only the finest champagne, meeting your new gay best friend, going to a Carolines party, drinking 18 vodka sodas, texting an old flame to find out the size of his penis before he leaves for Geneva, losing your wallet somewhere between the McDonald’s in Times Square and the very angry cab driver in Brooklyn, and arriving home to find a large package that is the Bible your uncle ordered you during that one lousy weekend when you called him and declared Jesus Christ to be your personal lord and savior.

I also recommend the McFlurry.

In the spirit of excess, here’s a pretty great clip I watched before interviewing Artie Lange a while back. Makes me miss seeing Norm MacDonald on a more regular basis.

AND HOLY PERSONAL LORD AND SAVIOR…have you seen this?

re: the Andy Dick/Howard Stern clip.

The comment: “Chick at the end – big forehead but still bangable”

Fantastic.

I’d like to take a moment to quote “I Love My Body,” a new book of affirmations I’m self-publishing for my youth group.

My bangable body is a glorious place to live. I rejoice that I have chosen this particularly bangable body because it is perfect for me in this lifetime. It is the perfect size and shape and color and degree of bangability. It serves me so well. I choose the healing thoughts that create and maintain my bangable body and make me feel good. I marvel at the miracle that is my bangable body!

COMIC Stephen Colbert drew an icy response from the press corps at the White House Correspondents’ Association gala in April, but it could have been worse, reports The Post’s Mandy Stadtmiller. At an Academy of Television Arts & Sciences panel the other night, Colbert told moderator Stone Phillips he cut out one of his George Bush-bashing jokes at the last minute. “The president is always giving out medals to other people,” Colbert explained. So he planned to joke at the D.C. event, ” ‘Nobody ever gives him awards, and that is wrong. So tonight,’ and we had this printed up, ‘I am here to present to the president the highest award that Stephen Colbert can present to the president . . . It’s called a Certificate of Presidency.’ It was a little sheet of paper that said, ‘I, Stephen Colbert, hereby recognize George W. Bush is president of the United States.’ ” Reflected Colbert, “At that point in the speech, ’cause it was right about the middle, I looked over and I went, I’m not going to do that.” Where is the “certificate” now? Colbert keeps it framed on his wall as a personal “woulda, shoulda, coulda” memento.

…If you’ve never seen it, revel in personal shame for a while, and then watch:

user Mandy_Stadtmiller has entered room.
analyst Ashith has entered room.
Ashith: Hello Mandy_Stadtmiller. My name is Ashith.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: hello is anyone hthere?
Ashith: Hi
Mandy_Stadtmiller: hi. i’ve screwed up installation of my products.
Ashith: Reference number for this chat session will be:112283
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i got really frustrated b/c i paid for the download of both norton system works and norton internet security
Mandy_Stadtmiller: but then live update kept not working
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i’ve wasted hours installig and then reinstalling
Mandy_Stadtmiller: and then i tried to delete norton and it got stuck and so i manually tried to delete the files
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so now i have a bunch of crap files
Mandy_Stadtmiller: are you going to help me delete the old files and get the write protection off them? this is where i fucked up
Ashith: Please go to add\remove programs and provide me the list of Norton there
Mandy_Stadtmiller: all i wanted to do was updating my fuckinganti virus. it should have taken 2 seconds
Mandy_Stadtmiller: Norton SystemWorks setup has encountered a problem and needs to close. We are sorry for the inconvenience.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: that’s the message
Mandy_Stadtmiller: REALLY HELPFUL RIGHT?
Ashith: Yes, are you able to see any Norton in add\remove programs?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: all right yeah
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it won’t let me delete the norton system works in add/remove
Mandy_Stadtmiller: let me try again — ok i just deleted the fucking add on pack
Ashith: Okay
Mandy_Stadtmiller: pls help me manually remove all the old files PLEASE
Mandy_Stadtmiller: PLEASE
Mandy_Stadtmiller: PLEASE
Mandy_Stadtmiller: PLEASE
Mandy_Stadtmiller: thank
Mandy_Stadtmiller: s
Ashith: In this case please download and run removal tool from the link below for complete removal:
Ashith: http://service1.symantec.com/Support/sharedtech.nsf/docid/2006031710323113
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it’s removing i think!!!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i love you
Ashith: The tool will remove all the Norton files from your computer
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i love you
Ashith: Yes.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: wait — wait — getting stuck on the processing msi’s
Mandy_Stadtmiller: twirling magnifying glass
Mandy_Stadtmiller: twirling
Mandy_Stadtmiller: come on, removal tool, you can do it!!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: hello? analyst ashith?
Ashith: Yes, it is removing , Right?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: removing registry values
Ashith: Okay
Mandy_Stadtmiller: slow
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i fear the removal tool may be fucked
Mandy_Stadtmiller: this is consternating, ashith
Ashith: Is it not removing?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it’s not providing the happy ending i’m looking for.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it is not finishing.
Ashith: Okay We can wait and check
Mandy_Stadtmiller: fiddlesticks
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yeah — it shoudl defly be done by now
Mandy_Stadtmiller: so it’s probably mostly removed but not completely — it’s b/c i renamed a bunch of files like a twatwaffle
Mandy_Stadtmiller: sorry about that
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i mean i didn’t rename the files ‘twatwaffle’
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i renamed them j
Mandy_Stadtmiller: j.txt
Ashith: Please select run from Windows start
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i once had a teacher tell me i was exceptionally gifted at computers
Mandy_Stadtmiller: what do you think about that ashith?
Ashith: Type:
Ashith: regedit
Ashith: click ok
Mandy_Stadtmiller: am looking at a folder
Mandy_Stadtmiller: Select HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Symantec
Mandy_Stadtmiller: don’t exist, buddy
Ashith: Are you sure?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: let me check
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you know me better than my own father, ashith!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it is there!
Ashith: Delete Symantec folder
Mandy_Stadtmiller: no problemo
Ashith: Is it removed?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i kicked that folder’s ass to the curb!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it is gone from my life forever!
Ashith: Select HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Symantec
Mandy_Stadtmiller: can i show that file the door too?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: delete?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: you say the word ashith!
Mandy_Stadtmiller: just say it
Ashith: Delete that Symantec folder too
Mandy_Stadtmiller: yes! done
Mandy_Stadtmiller: am i sure i want to delete this key and all of its subkeys?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i’ve never been so sure of anything in my whole life!
Ashith: After that close registry window
Mandy_Stadtmiller: done and did!
Ashith: Open C drive from My computer
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i need a drink
Ashith: Open program files
C\program files
Mandy_Stadtmiller: ‘my computer’ isn’t opening
Mandy_Stadtmiller: this makes me weep a little bit
Mandy_Stadtmiller: what do you think, ashith?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: give it to me straight. i can handle it.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: wait, no.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: WE can handle it
Ashith: Is C drive opened?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: “my computer” isn’t opening
Mandy_Stadtmiller: no, won’t open
Mandy_Stadtmiller: poop
Ashith: Then you need to restart your computer and then delete Symantec folder inside C\program files
Mandy_Stadtmiller: can i restart the computer and you will be there in chat once i return to computer once restarted?
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i will come back for you
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i will never forget you, ashith
Mandy_Stadtmiller: will you think of me while i’m gone?
Ashith: No:-)
Mandy_Stadtmiller: oh ashith.
Mandy_Stadtmiller: i love the way we joke
Mandy_Stadtmiller: it’s so ‘us.’

1) I’m hiring a friend who is one of my favorite people in the entire universe to transfer over the old posts/pics from Bloggy McBlogalot. She’ll be tackling this sexy job in about a week, so fret not. The new site shall be fully integrated soon enough. Lester’s also getting to work on the archives functionality.

2) I really feel my posts are becoming more exciting than ever. Don’t you think?

3) I’m not going to stop posting pictures. I’m just mid-transition between computers so trying to get my new Mac fully up to speed. Meanwhile, if anyone has a hammer to help with installation of Norton 2007 on my old PC, please let me know.

4) If you are a friend and checked out the links page and wonder why I didn’t list you, send me a nice reminder. Please include the words “saddened and outraged” to make it less awkward.

5) Kill Whitey. Thanks

I started Bloggy McBlogalot in 2004 because if I didn’t start writing for myself again I feared I was going to lose my shit. Also because I was told during one particularly terrible fight: “You’re not smart. You’re not a good writer. And you’re not funny.”

I’ll miss being in a 10-year relationship with Christopher Hitchens. I really will.

So when I started this I was embarrassed because here I was, someone with real writing credits who had left newspapers to take jobs in PR and fundraising, and now I was doing something on par with every 12-year-old in America with access to Photoshopped pictures of their cat.

Hence, Bloggy McBlogalot.

Irealizehowretardedthisis McYoucantdestroymeanymorethanIcanabunch.

I remember thinking up the name when I was at a Mason Jennings concert during my fourth wedding anniversary in Madison, Wisconsin. “I have an idea,” I whispered. I was told it didn’t quite work. The next day I wrote my first entry.

Along the way I rediscovered my voice as a writer, began doing comedy regularly, got divorced, saw my parents get remarried, saw my sister have a baby, lived with my friend Luke who absolutely saved my life, moved to Brooklyn, returned to newspapers after a long hiatus, won the title of Funniest Reporter in New York and became a dickhead megalomaniac. Trix. I’m still as self-loathing as I ever was. I like to say the new site doesn’t have the tagline “Self-hating misogynist cunt with a flair for words” because it just doesn’t have enough pop to it!

Which leads me to the point of all this. I have a new Web site, which was designed by my friend Lester Nelson who is crazy awesome and who I’m forever indebted to in more ways than one and who I laughed and cried with this weekend when suddenly a wave of existential depression hit me like a ton of bricks and my very practical solution to get out of it was to watch all six parts of the “Angels in America” series. Thanks, Lester. You rule. I’d also like to thank AIDS.

The new site is a work in progress because there are still some kinks in the design and I also have to transfer over manually about 700 archived posts, which I’m going to do because I’m proud of most things I’ve written on this site (even when it’s painful to read all the happy-tits stuff I was writing when I was mired pretty deeply in grief and despair) but yeah, all in good time.

For now, I ask you, dear reader, to update your link (if you link to me, and thanks if you do) to Mandy Stadtmiller Dot Com. Thanks especially to everyone who’s ever sent me an email, offered me a job or joined me in filing for divorce.

I couldn’t have done it without you.

xx