Hot car-on-car action

I found scribbled today on an old Bijan’s receipt a bit of important information from Bloggy McBlogalot’s only Miami correspondent. What caught my eye in particular was the note: “Don’t suck on her tits.” That, and the fact that I tipped excellently.

Watching from her kitchen window several months ago, Nikki diligently reported to me on the unfolding events in her rental complex pool. We did not know if the world was ready then for isawyoufuckinginmypool.blogspot.com. Perhaps we never will. But finally, the story can now be told.

“Even if I wanted to go to the pool I couldn’t. Because there are two incredibly good-looking people fornicating in the water. No. No. Don’t do that. Don’t suck on her tits. Now they’re having swimming races but maybe not. She is opening her legs on the dividing bar. Okay, it doesn’t look as dirty as before. Now he’s looking at her like, ‘Hey honey, maybe take it easy.’ Now they’re racing again. Now I’ll take a picture. I’m fine with the racing. Her suit is totally down her back. She has no tan lines. None. Wow. Jesus. This is a woman who does not let a lot get between her and the sun.”

Face/off

Me: Which one are you in the picture?

Him: I was the guy on the right. With the arrow pointing at me. And at the base of the arrow, there was text that said, “Me.”

With child

Voicemail from my sister: I am calling because I want you to put a picture of me on your blog. Not mom’s dog. Not my child. But me. And write something about me while you’re at it.

…

Me: What do you want me to write about?

Six stories later.

Me: Yeah, that one’s pretty good. How does it go again?

Sister: It was when I was a manager at the Gap. I told this large man to go try on the jeans we gave him. I went in the dressing room, and I said, “Have you tried them on yet?” And he said, “No.” And then he said, “Let’s go,” and he picked me up. He threw me over his shoulder. And I said, “You put me down right now, and go try on those jeans.” And then I called security.

Me: So was your hair touching the floor when he threw you over his shoulder?

Sister: No, but feel free to embellish.

Me: How large was he?

Sister: Very large. He was a very large man.

“I love to talk, look at stars, cuddle, and animals.”

The hardest part is I love to animals, too.

Labor Day

Me: So I bought these bras like last month or something.

Clerk: And you never wore them?

Me: No. Never wore them.

Clerk: Hmm. Interesting.

Me: I don’t have the tags. Sorry.

Clerk: It’s okay.

Me: Awesome. Thanks.

Clerk: Except this one is wet.

Me: Oh.

Clerk: And it smells like detergent.