South Beach
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Social security
Me: What are you doing?
63-year-old: Watching the news. I’m addicted to it. I can’t stop watching.
Me: Tell me something newsy.
63yo: Did you know Sean Combs is hosting the MTV Video Music Awards?
Me: I do now.
63yo: It’s on the ticker.
Me: I see.
63yo: I’m addicted to the ticker.
Me: Okay.
63yo: It kind of bothers me.
Me: What’s that?
63yo: How they don’t use his full name.
Me: Meaning?
63yo: You know. It should be Puff Daddy. Or P Diddy. Or both.
Me: You’re right.
63yo: I like him.
Me: You do?
63yo: I can relate to P Diddy. He seems approachable.
Me: I can see that.
63yo: Unlike Snoop Dogg. I think he might intimidate me.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Off to Aruba
Bloggy McBlogalot is on vacation through the end of the month in preparation for her new project:
Movey McSettlinginabunch
She recommends Googling “big yuks” and “I’m sorry for cheating, Sienna” until such time as she returns.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: The-Spoilers-That-Must-Not-Be-Named
1. New character Prime Minister “Schmony Blair” offers delightful blend of toothy Anglican free-market centrist and completely fictional little bugger.
2. Quidditch now brought to you by McDonald’s. You’re lovin’ it.
3. Downloading “Hot Coffee” mod unlocks hidden snogging, makes Potter extra fanciable.
4. Plotline less Wiccany, more Wiccanish.
5. China National Offshore Oil Corporation puts in $18.5 billion bid to buy Hogwarts; Hagrid unswayed.
6. Kevin Federline revealed to also speak Parseltongue.
7. J.K. Rowling hologram appears midway through novel, demands a pound to spare Hermione’s life, settles for 20 pence.
8. Key minor character discomfited, recovers in due time.
9. Wine still “bloodred.” Blood new playful shade of mauve.
10. Dark Lord releases sex tape, says, “That’s hot.”
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Voice of a demographic
Me: So what’s big among 17-year-olds nowadays? Do you like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, all that stuff?
17-year-old: Not really. I mean if you put a steak in front of me and my friends, we’d eat it. We don’t really like that kind of thing.
Me: What TV shows do you like?
17yo: Teen soaps are pretty big. We like those. The WB has good shows.
Me: Like “One Tree Hill”?
17yo: You know “One Tree Hill”! I just saw Gavin DeGraw in concert. I love him. I’m really into acoustic guitar.
Me: What about “7th Heaven”? Do you like that show?
17yo: That show sucks. I’m really into Hollywood, though. I want to be an actress. I say I’m like Rachel Bilson on “The OC.” I used to say Katie Holmes on “Dawson’s Creek,” but I don’t like her now. My friends don’t like her anymore either.
Me: Why not?
17yo: Because of the Tom Cruise thing.
Me: I’m sorry. The Tom Cruise thing?
17yo: They’re engaged! They’re getting married!
Me: Really? I hadn’t heard.
17yo: Oh my god.
Me: So what’s wrong with Tom Cruise?
17yo: Um, nothing. Except he’s totally gross.
