South
Monday, May 30, 2005
Episode III: Tools and takeaways
The only thing that kicks more ass than one Wookiee? Buncha Wookiees.
Sure you’re “in love.” But are you willing to go to the Dark Side in love?
Play Yoda, going to get played you are, bitches.
Yelling “Noooooooo!” still as dramatically persuasive as ever.
The more evil you are, the less hunky you become.
Jar Jar Binks…delivers!
If part man/part machine, maybe consider charity work or something.
Anakin’s mad ascent to power bringing you down? Cheer up and remember these timeless lyrics: “I picked up a box/ I lifted some rocks/ While I stood on my head.”
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Journalism at its best
A former professor calls me at work. I am busy. She understands. Do I have just a minute?
This is a woman—nay, a journalist—who likes to take charge of the situation. Fun, female, and fearless, she represents everything that Cosmo told us was possible.
Today her voice chirps with unnatural strain, an extra level of positivity even she didn’t know was possible.
“Mandy. Mandy! How are you? How is everything? How are things? That’s great, really great. So is there any way I could ask you a little favor? I’m having a lot of trouble finding sources for this story I’m writing, and I wouldn’t normally do this but it’s really coming down to the wire so if you could just think about anyone you know who might fit the description…
“Thanks! Okay, well it’s for a women’s magazine, and it’s this kind of ‘Problem, solution’ column, and see I’m looking for women—around your age, in their twenties. Right, but what I need are women who’ve had abortions. Uh-huh. But not just abortions, what I need to find are women who’ve had abortions whose mothers are super supportive of the decision, and the mothers are all like, ‘You go girl!’
“What do you think? Would you know anyone?”
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
The power of the strategically mistyped T
mstadtmiller: so this kid i know
mstadtmiller: he just got a job
mstadtmiller: as a writer
mstadtmiller: for that tv show
mstadtmiller: about chris rock
mstadtmiller: the new one you know
mstadtmiller: on upn
mstadtmiller: called
mstadtmiller: everybody hates christ
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
The circle is complete
Fratty McFratalot picked me up at my friend Elina’s.
She adjusted my bling and sprayed Dune in the air. I ran through it the right way.
I called her later that evening after exhausting my entire knowledge of extreme sports and market efficiencies.
“Oh my god,” I said.
“Oh my god,” she said.
“I just went on a date with a guy who drives a fucking Hummer.”
“I almost ran after you and pulled you back out.”
“This is what I get,” I say. “I post an ad looking for professionals, and what do I expect?”
“Sweetie,” she said. “You never expect a Hummer. Repeat it with me: You never expect a Hummer.”
