As if Robert McKee’s “Story” wasn’t entertaining enough, what with all the Venn diagrams and plus/minus charge variations harkening a science lesson on cell membranes, there’s this passage:

After retarding pace, we build the progressions of the following act until we top the previous Climax in intensity and meaning. Act by act, we tighten and release tension until the final Climax empties out the audience, leaving it emotionally exhausted but fulfilled. Then a brief Resolution scene to recuperate before going home.

It’s just like sex. Masters of the bedroom arts pace their love-making. They begin by taking each other to a state of delicious tension short of—and we use the same word in both cases—climax, then tell a joke and shift positions before building each other to an even higher tension short of climax; then have a sandwich, watch TV, and gather energy to then reach greater and greater intensity, making love in cycles of rising tension until they finally climax simultaneously and the earth moves and they see colors. The gracious storyteller makes love to us. He knows we’re capable of a tremendous release…if he paces us to it.

Nightlife

You learn…

About the best idea for a restaurant name ever:

Club Baby Seals.

Jacques-Imo’s

You learn…

How right before Merle Haggard starts a show, he says, “Let me take a moment to introduce my band.”

Behind him, the band members turn to one another and shake hands.

Business

Live from Crush…

Is it just me or did US Weekly really drop the ball on their Terri Schiavo coverage?

They’ve got a journalistic responsibility to uphold. She’s easily committed like 18 different fashion don’ts, the makeup is completely wrong, and they’re just going to let that go?

I appreciate a good dose of US Weekly. This is a magazine done by people who are not afraid to speak their minds. Back in the day, you kind of expected them to come right out with a big in-your-face headline: “Looks like Superman isn’t so super anymore, is he?”

Lately I’ve appreciated their coverage of the Olsen twins, those adorable billionaire imps. “Inside, it’s Mary-Kate and Ashley, live and uncensored! They’re sisters, media mavens, and best friends to boot. These girls have it all—now if only they could lose some weight.”

I enjoy meeting other comedians. I was talking to a woman recently who told me she got into comedy because she wanted to help the “cancer kids.” Which I found interesting, because the first thing I’d think you could do to help the cancer kids would be to stop calling them the cancer kids.

I think world affairs are important. I saw that Time magazine recently scored a big news get. “Poverty” was the cover story. But not just poverty. “Poverty: The solution.” I am so glad to see that they have finally cracked this case wide open—and also left room for a Q & A with Lil’ Kim.

My favorite portion of the news is the “What are we going to tell our kids” segment. Do you think we could get a middle-aged, overweight, balding expert to guide us through? Put everything in terms that our kids might understand? “Listen honey, just because Kevin Federline got Britney pregnant does not mean that this is going to happen to you. You have nothing to be worried about, you are going to be okay, and you should always be prepared. Take this six-pack of Trojans. It’s off to bed with you.”

I like to work. I like being employed. One of my favorite people at work is the way too violent for the situation guy. “You want me to what? You want me to build that Web page? No problem. See what we need to do is just take this file right here and really jam it up in there, just kind of slam it and jam it, and then you take this line of html code and see you just kind of fingerfuck it for a while, and then you, what? …What’s your problem? I’m just telling you what the manual says.”

I have a lot of friends. I’m not bragging. It’s not bragging when it’s true. I think the most adorable friends are the ones who call you up whenever anything really shitty is happening in your life. You win a million dollars, you ride around in a parade for awesome people, and nothing, no call. But you lose your job, you wet yourself in a public place, and these are the people who are the first on the horn.

“So the urine just kind of trickled down your leg, you say? An entire roomful of strangers? And it was being webcast live? Wow, yeah, that must have been awful. So listen I know this reporter who’s doing a story on adult incontinence, and I think you’d be really great for it. It’ll be just like O, except for people who pee themselves. Think about it, that’s all I’m saying. Let’s not wait so long to talk next time, okay? You take care now. And stay dry! Just kidding around. No, but seriously, try to stay dry, okay?”

Verdi Mart, yum-yum

Beware people who…

Imitate a juggler whilst saying, “Got too many balls in the air.”

Exclaim, “Oh my gooshness.”

Are kind of fanatical about keeping up with the one-a-day calendar.

Lower voice to a husky whisper, lean in, and say, “What we’ve got coming down the pipeline is even more exciting.”

Go on “vacay.”

Marvel at knowledge of the word “cadre.”

Ridicule for knowledge of the word “cadre.”

Launch into a lengthy satire of “Sesame Street,” and say, “What is today brought to us by the letter C, C is for cadre?”

Wince at Whole Foods knockoff People’s Market and say, “I don’t go there. That place is all Hitler or something.”

Employ any use of “gal pal.”

Blog and/or blogalot.

‘I know a lot of people who’d kill for that little waistline of yours.’